A different form of light

Picture Credits: CamXiong Photography

Sometimes we find ourselves deep in thought, we ponder the late night trying to create answers to subconscious problems we harbor within ourselves.
Some of us our battling what I like to describe as our inner demon.
She/He isn't exactly a bad side of us but they are that side of us that we do not show to this world for our own reasons.
But, I've came to a new form of enlightenment perhaps.

Instead of taking in the concept of "What else can I be doing for change? or "Should I just not care?"
Many influencers have told me to do one more over the other,yes.
But I've got quite the stubborn personality and I don't believe in change unless I deem it as necessary.
In this case: It wasn't change I was looking for, but a balance as to how to adapt to this new setting to make myself feel more comfortable. I was looking for a new balance.

The past few years have been progressing forward, and they've been a huge test on me for so many reasons. Family, friends, school, and pursuing something I truly loved to do - everything was overwhelming.
I had my first real anxiety break down last year, I really lost all motivation in myself, and then again this year I caught myself facing a lot of questions towards myself.

I needed what I thought was a "break" but rather I realized I needed to "balance"
Recognizing I needed to make some subtle adjustments to myself, and to my surroundings I had to learn how to move forward, and truly find peace at mind for myself.

I met with some rough things the end of my last year, something should I be able to run from I would. But then again I've never been one to run, I'd rather just face them and do what I see is fit before letting go.
**straying from topic some though**
This new light" I've let shine upon myself I assume is -
I'm learning to truly take care of myself again.

To remind myself,
I have to be there for me when no one is, and I have to still be here when nobody is here for me.

The light itself is a specific individual: you see I had this amazing starlight in my life already and my family and close friends are all their own little shining globes in my world altogether but I am truly thankful for whatever reason GOD gave me this opportunity to meet someone like this individual.

This light knew nothing about me, only what I said. Yet they were able to tell me specifically what other's never dared to say to me, and really pushed me to be not the person I wanted others to see but just who I am.
Whether it be when I was too emotional, or angry or just upset, not once did this new light run away from me.
I could hold it and even when it dimmed I could still tell it was there.
Similar to my favorite starlight I assume.

I've ran in circles for years and even though I'm not sure where I am headed I'm slowly finally learned to enjoy whatever it is I'm facing, and just make my everyday count for another tomorrow.

That's all for now loves. - Lxm

This is me, NOW.

"A little high off of reality, so I like creating a little fantasy." 

No better words to describe my motto for life. We find ourselves wrapped up in so much during these times of our lives (in relation to any part of your life that is) ; for me currently that would be summer course, ending a relationship with my previous boyfriend, and somehow seeing a new version of myself. 

More so, I guess I can say I've inched forward a few steps and started to see things for what they are and less so let them keep me down. 

I used to argue with myself as to why I do the things that I do. I have my answer now. 

Why else? because I chose too.

That was my first step. 

So, whatever you are doing that is making you upset. Just STOP. 

It is doable. You will care still, maybe. Or perhaps you'll hit an epiphany and just stop caring altogether. Move on- and just be happy.

I realized that my life was very tiring all the time, I was always focused on balancing this and that and trying to make everything work and now, I've come to my senses that I am not in charge all the time and that is okay. 

I inhaled a little more than I could handle. So now I'm toning it down and letting my imagination run wild for me. 

so henceforth comes my saying: 

 high off of reality but still creating a little fantasy...

An overdose is never a good thing, so I've tamed down quite a bit and just started to take my days one at a time. Only planning about one or two weeks - and moving with whatever I am given.

Thing is, I've been in a lot of pain lately. I've been lost. I've been hurt.

But I never could truly give up, I still cared about those things that pertain only to me the most and not others.

I realize something very clearly in that moment: 

I matter to myself, more than anyone else. I can't control everyone or everything but I am in control of me. 

So I took a deep breath and cried the last of my tears, moped for my last 24 hours and hit restart.

Makes me sound like a robot but in all honesty: 

I don't think, I think like others. 

My past hurt me a lot, but I've never regretted anything

My future terrifies me, but I'll never stop doing something because of fear

AND

If I loved with everything I had, even if it was nothing in others eyes

TO ME

That was enough. 

"Every fictional book, has a happily ever after or a THE END." 

Don't flip the chapters anymore my darlings, just put that book away if you don't like it. 

Start over, a clear mind, a happy soul, and be passionate about yourself. 

Letting go, is goodbye but in a form of awaiting a new HELLO.

Love,

LxMei

I'm Crazy - Calvin Klein

"I'm crazy, and I don't pretend to be anything else."

- Calvin Klein

Some one once asked me to describe myself in one word, I would have to think long and hard but I think now if I had to use one word I would choose:

CRAZY. 

I have this motor in me, that is always scared of new changes in myself and in my life but at the same time I have the gears that are always telling me it's okay to make changes and for me to challenge myself until I am fully confident I've found something I love and truly wish to continue experiencing. 

They, in reference to family/friends/or new strangers I run into.

They asked me once, "How far do you wish to go with this/ How did you stumble upon this?" 

My reply: I am simply doing something I love. I enjoy it. It takes commitment, but it's me. 

I am not doing it for others, I am doing it for me- for others views and remarks are just there to built me with their constructive criticism.

One day, it may end and I may fall in love with something more stable but for now I like being a little crazy, and a little adventurous just wanting to move forward in my life and trying to find a new set in stone goal for myself. 

I have school.

I have family.

I let go of a relationship, but 

I have friends. 

Most importantly, I need to have myself. 

Crazy-but just enough to make survival my inner drive for this burning passion I have. 

Dear loves, just do what you enjoy the most. 

Sincerely,

LxM 

Suicide Awareness, I'm a survivor

Smile, laugh and make the best of every moment you're given. 

You hit rock bottom, its okay now you can get back on your feet. 

You got judge for who you are, its okay there are still people who love your presence. 

You feel pressured by life, its okay keep striving Rome wasn't built in one day. 

Life's bumpy, obstacles happen, no one is always happy but keep smiling- keep striving because even if we are strangers I'll tell you one thing from experience:

Your live matters, your laugh is beautiful, your passion, perseverance and everything about you is out of this world captivating.

Yes, I'm a survivor. Who isn't, who doesn't fight to survive. Stay strong, if no one listens write it down, cry it out, run it off - fight because you are not alone.

Love, LiXmei

Joy of Life

Joy of Life 

Orange Juice, and a splash of champagne/wine mixed in with some cherry.

Perhaps that's just a mimosa. 

Delicate, sweet, and smooth.

A joy in life, can be something that simple though-

delicate, sweet but oh so content.

Seek, find, and retrieve. 

-02.2017 BRUNCH-

Perhaps when the sky is dark, the lights shine brighter

02.15.2017

In two days, I'll be twenty-two. And I have to say I never thought twenty-one would leave such a deep indention on myself. 

I keep telling myself I am okay, I will be fine. This rant has followed me for the past few months because I know those little things that keep bothering me have long gone passed. 

I am working harder for myself, striving and challenging myself with my academics, my modeling, and having set yet another goal for myself in the gym- I keep telling myself the busier I am the less time I'll have to keep thinking. 

The lights are dim in my busy daytime though, I just seem to pass everything so quickly and when the night sky settles in -I have a tendency to go blind with it. 

Luckily, I am blessed with many individuals who shine brightly at night to keep me company. 

My personality won't allow me to stop reminiscing about all the memories that keep replaying in my mind, but my mind is also set in stone to keep following the lights because in the dark its too dangerous. 

Ambition is scary, Ambiguous feelings are even scarier though.  

-LxMei-

S T R U G G L I N G

STRUGGLING

IMAGERY SPECIALIST : MIKEY MONDAY 

MODEL: SARAH LY 

I am 5'6", a Hmong girl, my major is business marketing and minor is psychology.

What do I struggle with?

I struggle to meet the standards of stereotypes,

I am supposed to be good at math because I am Asian.

Sadly, math was my lowest score on my ACT. 

As a daughter, I have standards to reach in my household.

I must know how to cook, clean, and tend to my parents needs around the household. 

Luckily, I have achieved all that I need to know but there is still more for me to learn because as my mother told me growing up as a child, "you learn in this household only what you will learn again in another." 

Her statement is referring to when I get married, and move in with my husband or his family- I will have to relearn my duties of a daughter or in our language a nyab (daughter in law).

I've struggled financially, how to get about paying for my bills. 

I struggled educationally, trying to find ways to make studying stick so I could past test with no sleep.

I struggled with sleep, nights of restlessness only to be tired throughout the day.

I struggled to be happy.

Emotionally, more than anything else I struggled.

I fought depression again last year.

I watched it tear me apart, carve a whole into my chest- and I watched as all the ones I loved either never saw it or could not reach out to help me.

We all struggle is the thing- we all have hard times in life. 

We hit rock bottom and forget how to get back up.

The only advice I give here is, "You are not alone. Someone loves you. And you can Love you too."

There are thoughts that will always taunt us to want to do regretful decisions but if 2016 left me with anything other than some painful memories- then it was that if you truly loved, then it is okay to continue to harbor that love and not the person you once loved.

It is okay to remember to Love yourself. It is okay to challenge yourself to strive for a GREATER YOU.

STRUGGLE, because you'll learn how to fight. 

STRUGGLE, because you'll be able to stand again.

STRUGGLE, because now you can help others who are struggling too.

Love,

     LxMei