Perhaps when the sky is dark, the lights shine brighter

02.15.2017

In two days, I'll be twenty-two. And I have to say I never thought twenty-one would leave such a deep indention on myself. 

I keep telling myself I am okay, I will be fine. This rant has followed me for the past few months because I know those little things that keep bothering me have long gone passed. 

I am working harder for myself, striving and challenging myself with my academics, my modeling, and having set yet another goal for myself in the gym- I keep telling myself the busier I am the less time I'll have to keep thinking. 

The lights are dim in my busy daytime though, I just seem to pass everything so quickly and when the night sky settles in -I have a tendency to go blind with it. 

Luckily, I am blessed with many individuals who shine brightly at night to keep me company. 

My personality won't allow me to stop reminiscing about all the memories that keep replaying in my mind, but my mind is also set in stone to keep following the lights because in the dark its too dangerous. 

Ambition is scary, Ambiguous feelings are even scarier though.  

-LxMei-

S T R U G G L I N G

STRUGGLING

IMAGERY SPECIALIST : MIKEY MONDAY 

MODEL: SARAH LY 

I am 5'6", a Hmong girl, my major is business marketing and minor is psychology.

What do I struggle with?

I struggle to meet the standards of stereotypes,

I am supposed to be good at math because I am Asian.

Sadly, math was my lowest score on my ACT. 

As a daughter, I have standards to reach in my household.

I must know how to cook, clean, and tend to my parents needs around the household. 

Luckily, I have achieved all that I need to know but there is still more for me to learn because as my mother told me growing up as a child, "you learn in this household only what you will learn again in another." 

Her statement is referring to when I get married, and move in with my husband or his family- I will have to relearn my duties of a daughter or in our language a nyab (daughter in law).

I've struggled financially, how to get about paying for my bills. 

I struggled educationally, trying to find ways to make studying stick so I could past test with no sleep.

I struggled with sleep, nights of restlessness only to be tired throughout the day.

I struggled to be happy.

Emotionally, more than anything else I struggled.

I fought depression again last year.

I watched it tear me apart, carve a whole into my chest- and I watched as all the ones I loved either never saw it or could not reach out to help me.

We all struggle is the thing- we all have hard times in life. 

We hit rock bottom and forget how to get back up.

The only advice I give here is, "You are not alone. Someone loves you. And you can Love you too."

There are thoughts that will always taunt us to want to do regretful decisions but if 2016 left me with anything other than some painful memories- then it was that if you truly loved, then it is okay to continue to harbor that love and not the person you once loved.

It is okay to remember to Love yourself. It is okay to challenge yourself to strive for a GREATER YOU.

STRUGGLE, because you'll learn how to fight. 

STRUGGLE, because you'll be able to stand again.

STRUGGLE, because now you can help others who are struggling too.

Love,

     LxMei 

I miss you.

Everyone misses someone. But, we all move on and those memories are the most cherished moments; every second and moment shared or recalled will always be worth more than words.

I have a tendency to always miss anyone who was ever special/dear to my heart.

It's that time of year again, and I seemed to have started to lose direction but I am still standing.

Grandpa and Grandma must be near once again, because even though I feel

empty- it seems like there is still a warm light inside of me.

I don't believe in Goodbyes are forever. I feel that when the time is right you'll meet with them again, or

cross paths with that individual once more.

This post is just so I can vent sadly, because as negative as it sounds I'm still trying

to stand positive.

To say I love you, was so hard.

-LxM

"Time doesn't wait for us."

多年後 Years Later - Pets Ceng (ENG TRANS)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLUZjVg3e-w


多年後 After all those years 
ARTIST: Pets Ceng

說愛情總是一個突然的衝動
Love is always said to be a sudden rash decision
赤裸裸在人面前攤開雙手
Naked and bare we opened our arms
講的每一句話一個念頭
Every sentence, and every thought that was spoken
無非成為下個故事的暖身動作
Incidentally became the next stories warm up exercise

*
現在的我和他仍一樣的傻
Now, me and him are equally dumb
一直都很晴朗少了一些漂蕩
Always so calm, lacking aggression
屋裡的暖色調還有咖啡的香
Inside the house's warm colors and scent of coffee
就算失眠了我想你也不會怎樣
Even if it was insomnia, I don't think it'd matter to you

多年後不再習慣成為了一種習慣
After all those years, the things we weren't used to became a habit
多年後你的喜歡再也不是我的喜歡
After all those years, your likes are no longer my likes
換了另一個地方繼續和別人晚餐
Changing the destination of this meal, with a different person
是勇敢還是笨蛋
Is this bravery or just stupidity 
讓兩個人相聚了又解散
To allow two people to come together but separate

*REPEAT


時間是極度瘋狂隨時要爆炸的船
Time is like a crazy time machine waiting to blow up
回憶在心中搖晃
All the memories in our hearts replaying endlessly
讓你要想不想要斷不斷
Making us want, but not want continuously 

多年後如果再見又想起你的喜歡
After all those year, goodbye is my memory of our affections
多年後如果再見再也不是一種背叛
After all those year, goodbye isn't just a type of betrayal 
換了另一個地方繼續兩人的晚餐
Changing the destination of this meal, with a different person
是勇敢還是笨蛋
Is this bravery or stupidity 
很有默契相聚了又解散
This ridiculous luck to meet again, but still separate


Loves,,, LxM

Grey-scale

Having taken out the color doesn't necessarily mean that everything is lifeless, and dull- looking at everything from a different perspective is actually a plus on your half.

In greyscale, what makes something to the point where we only see black and white but truthfully there is no black and black its really all grey. The grey spots simply falls on the darker or lighter sides of the scale that we create for ourselves.

Add some darker tints allow it to be deep grey, and add some lighter tints and it almost carries a whiter essence to it.

I had the joy of working with a photographer from Sacramento California (JonahVangPhotography) and he managed to get this shot of me and after receiving it - I was touched rather deeply not by the portrait of myself but rather that this image was like a canvas.

Blur the lines and fade it into the background, life is like this image of no color. There is no define line for anything, we ourselves make our rules and we ourselves decide on our worth.

I am standing in the foreground, does that make me the focus of all the things around me? in this portrait perhaps but there will be times when I am not the focus, when others are the focus when the trees behind me will not be faded but rather flourishing with life.

A grey-scale is a meter, with a scale that we create for ourselves. Dim the lights out of the color- and just enjoy that through all this madness really we can just enjoy the simplicity of how everything falls together.


With Regards,
LxMei

Don't Cry Because It's Over, Smile Because It Happened. (Dr.Suess)

Don't Cry Because It's Over, Smile Because It Happened. 

-Dr. Suess 

We all meet ups and downs in our lives. Sadly, there isn't much we can do when we meet with multiple downs. I don't look down on crying but when it boils down to it after the shower you just have to find a rainbow. 

Can't find a rainbow, no worries you are capable of creating one for yourself. 

Steps to making your own rainbow after the flood of tears:

1. Clear your vision (heart, soul, mind- find a moment of peace)

2. Take a deep breathe ( the kind that you can feel lift off your shoulders) 

3. SMILE (force it if you must but just know that its going to help)

Congratulations, look you have a rainbow now on your face. 

Now, move forward and strive for a new goal.

This post essentially is not only for me but for anyone who may stumble upon it too. We are vulnerable to our emotions and I am not saying you should ever bottle up but quite honestly from experience I know it never goes well. 

Just know that you are not alone and there are more people in this world suffering perhaps from the same things you are or worse. 

I tell myself every time I am reminiscing a certain individual, thinking about certain memories or just having a bad day (week, month yea.. ya know) that I have to look up because look back or looking down won't lead me anywhere but to where I didn't want to be obviously because I allowed myself to walk away.

Walking away from the negative, the bad takes a lot of strength and courage. So if you know someone who is struggling just give them a smile, share your rainbow and know that you can't always cry because something you once loved so dearly is over but rather smile because it did really happen and in the jist of the moment you loved every second of it. 

<3 Love Always,

Lxm (09.2016) 

After the sunset

After the sunset, I'll only remember how much it hurt and not the actual experience.

I've worked hard on myself trying to make me a better individual, not for others but for me. I act carefully so I don't hurt those around me but little was I ready for anything that approached me this year. 

The level of pain I've gained from this year's stress alone was unbearable, had two anxiety attacks and thought I'd be completely at a lost. Then from no where I came across a care-free soul.

Have I never had a carefree individual come into my life? sure, I have they are everywhere. Just one like this one had never appeared so suddenly. I am open to meet new individuals but never to go out of way to this extent. 

I love new experience, and being a little crazy this year was on my list. I didn't expect to fall as deep as I did; didn't expect to feel all the empty-ness that I fought through.

So, 2016 was a mash up of a lot of fun and total hell. Funny story is that it's not even over yet; the stress is building on and on now day by day. Hopefully after this year I can just get back to focusing on whatever I wanted to do originally. 

When the original plan does not work, there is always a plan B. 

Besides, after a good nights sleep I shouldn't be thinking about these infamous memories anymore. 

Thank you though, for allow me to see just how crazy I can be. I never knew I had it in me, you changed me as an individual and I couldn't appreciate it more. 

Love,

LxM