. When my glance reaches back, I want to see you .

When my glance reaches back, I want to see you . 

I hope that there was another word for eternity but there isn't

Eternity is where I'd like to continue to meet you . 

It is where I want to hold you in my embrace,

and caress you until the sun sets . 

I am a strong believer in you do not need to have another to build yourself, 

you do not need to depend on another to complete your life. 

Yet, I am a strong believer of "I love you" 

It doesn't come easy, 

It was something that I never had a problem with - this I will admit. 

Many individuals share love with me in my life. 

My parents: the first. 

My friends: the ones who became like blood. 

My lover(s): the ones to cross through life with me. 

and my one and only beloveds I love you all, 

thank you for always guiding me in this 

lost world of wonders, worries, and surprises. 

It is Christmas time soon, and my favorite memories will replay as the year ends for me, so I say: 

" I'll stare down from the highest peak, 

thankful for all I once had before my goodbye... 

The last flash of lights, during the coldest of night,

 I'll let the last of my soul meet with flight. " 

xoxo, 

-LiXmei

. . . S U B C O N S C I O U S . . .

Photographer: Trev.Art 

. Your Subconscious Worth .  

.  3.11.2017 .

      In the setting that we are all living among strangers we are fighting ourselves daily to find the reasons to meet the needs of our higher selves (parents, or individuals of interest in this case) but we also strive to meet our own aspirations. To some, it is a matter of time and for others it is a matter of peer support and the subconscious hunger for personal success. Success comes to those who have created the ideals of an individual with no 'visible' fear of failure, and a subconscious urge for greater heights built upon their own potential. 

     The years we spent in our adolescence may have seemed to have been the hardest of our times as ants in this growing colony. Yet, as time passes some become stronger they learn to fight and show grit to all challenges. Others, decide to not want more for themselves and settle for the minimal essential. Then, there are the select few who do not fight or settle but condemn themselves to a lost phase - searching, dreaming, wishing to find what it is they actually wish to attain in this futuristic lifestyle.  

    Watching many individuals grow, and others fall I've seen myself in the reflection of those younger than me, the ones yet to experience the incidents to break them. I've lost, to where I hated myself. I've won to where I did not think it was enough and wanted more. BUT, I've always been aware of my subconscious self : the side of me who knows not of my lose or my wins but my true value and worth. Subconsciously you must know your worth, and your values so you can create something of a platform to stand upon and carry yourself as you battle your way through the days, months and years to pass. 

     Subconscious - (defined as the part of one's mind that influences your actions, thoughts and emotions) arises to conscious and awareness once you've attained your aspirations or when others give doubt to what you desire to achieve. When others show you the negative, and you do not fail but rather raise yourself above all else ; you find yourself lurking in your subconscious mindset demanding a reason behind your actions or behavior that led to such success.

And in no matter of time, you will turn to the subconscious thoughts to look for more answers. Answers perhaps at one time in life you did not know how to answer but due to years or months of processing and restoration you've come to conclude upon analysis. No matter what the answers or the thoughts/emotions/actions you may omit yourself too - it has been done and the days will end, the time will pass and your subconscious nature will stay.To be kind, to be humble, to be honest or to be discreet your actions lay upon those values in your subconscious mind. A beautiful place, away from the rushes of strangers and others intentions - this place is where is truly flourish 'your worth'.  

Love always, 

LxMei

. S o m e w h e r e . S o m e h o w . S o m e d a y .

S o m e w h e r e :

I once wandered through my days thinking of all the places I could be but here. 

I struggled like anyone else trying to find peace at heart, an answer that was at point blank distance yet I always missed.

Searching nights restlessly hoping one day I'd have the answers I ponder hours for, yet here I am still wondering if I ever needed to worry for all the little matters to weigh me down for the years to come. 

The answer is...  No. 

S o m e h o w: 

No one held my hands when I fought myself through my darkest time,

I never wished nor wanted for that to get in the way of my relations with others. 

Yet, today I am here standing on my own two feet - still asking myself if things would have been different would I have set aside my own strengths and indulged in my weaknesses. 

Others ask of guidance, some ask for a reference and today I am asking if  I would truly change any of my past decisions. 

The answer is... No. 

S o m e d a y: 

In legends, and fairy tales there are exciting events and happy endings. 

But in between alike there are increments of sadness, remorse, anger, and regret. 

In life someday, I just want to be able to look back at my life and smile not in defeat but with contentment. 

Compliment myself for the path I did choose. Embrace who I have become, and someday even tell myself - " you made it." 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With time drifting I find life all the more beautiful.

There are ugly moments, but I know now it was only a moment. 

There are memories I still shed tears for, but I know now they were worth every second. 

Someday, Somehow, Somewhere : 

I reflect upon my deepest desires to fight with my greatest fears. 

Celebrating my growth through my passion, ambitions, and dreams. 

Love,
LxMei

This is what time has done to me

. 09. 29. 2017 . 

Time, this is what I want to talk about today. 

I'm not exactly, sad but I'm not exactly happy. 

Balance perhaps.

This is what time has done to me. 

It's gifted me with times to rejoice over my success, 

cry about my failures, 

and rethink over how I can do better next time. 

It built into me though i feel, to sense all my emotions just pass by. 

It's like watching sand drip from one side to another, I'm just watching the days go by now. 

Perhaps many share a similar setting, we all feel lost at a stand still. 

I am grateful though, to have another day to stare into the sand bottle. 

I am humble to have so many moments to worry about the things around me. 

My adventurous soul seeks more though, something out there in the world 

it continues to call me. 

What are you? Who are you? and Where are you? 

Some say, those who think too much are over-thinkers. But on the contrary we simply think  as we feel, and we feel with those thoughts. 

The wise didn't become so without learning lessons that they encompassed over time. 

And my time elapse - is now from the last time I embarked on an adventure. 

Success, is failure should I feel I've yet to feel my own freedom. 

A free spirit cannot be caged. 

High off of reality, time to create some more to my fantasy.   

xoxo, LxMei

To My Star

To my dear star: 

Be Brave 

Be Strong 

Have Faith 

Do your best, and never forget you are amazing. 

You've grown a great amount in these last few days, and years. I've seen you shine brightly in the dark skies for years and this year you've been like a flying meteor going about to not face not only your worse fears but to open your beautiful heart to learn to receive to hurt and to heal. 

There are no words to express how proud I am of you, but you should know I am evermore pleased with all you have done. 

In my eyes you're already attaining so much, and these next few months I know you'll continue to surprise me. I love you. 

Travel safe, and remember behind you is an army of those who love you. 

To my dear soulmate, I love you. 

To my dear best friend, I will miss you.

To my love, I will be here waiting for your return. 

A friendship doesn't change because of distance, you are going on a journey now to become more successful and I am going to stay here to fight for mine as well.

"TOGETHER we shall FIGHT!" 

Love, XiaoMei <3 

A different form of light

Picture Credits: CamXiong Photography

Sometimes we find ourselves deep in thought, we ponder the late night trying to create answers to subconscious problems we harbor within ourselves.
Some of us our battling what I like to describe as our inner demon.
She/He isn't exactly a bad side of us but they are that side of us that we do not show to this world for our own reasons.
But, I've came to a new form of enlightenment perhaps.

Instead of taking in the concept of "What else can I be doing for change? or "Should I just not care?"
Many influencers have told me to do one more over the other,yes.
But I've got quite the stubborn personality and I don't believe in change unless I deem it as necessary.
In this case: It wasn't change I was looking for, but a balance as to how to adapt to this new setting to make myself feel more comfortable. I was looking for a new balance.

The past few years have been progressing forward, and they've been a huge test on me for so many reasons. Family, friends, school, and pursuing something I truly loved to do - everything was overwhelming.
I had my first real anxiety break down last year, I really lost all motivation in myself, and then again this year I caught myself facing a lot of questions towards myself.

I needed what I thought was a "break" but rather I realized I needed to "balance"
Recognizing I needed to make some subtle adjustments to myself, and to my surroundings I had to learn how to move forward, and truly find peace at mind for myself.

I met with some rough things the end of my last year, something should I be able to run from I would. But then again I've never been one to run, I'd rather just face them and do what I see is fit before letting go.
**straying from topic some though**
This new light" I've let shine upon myself I assume is -
I'm learning to truly take care of myself again.

To remind myself,
I have to be there for me when no one is, and I have to still be here when nobody is here for me.

The light itself is a specific individual: you see I had this amazing starlight in my life already and my family and close friends are all their own little shining globes in my world altogether but I am truly thankful for whatever reason GOD gave me this opportunity to meet someone like this individual.

This light knew nothing about me, only what I said. Yet they were able to tell me specifically what other's never dared to say to me, and really pushed me to be not the person I wanted others to see but just who I am.
Whether it be when I was too emotional, or angry or just upset, not once did this new light run away from me.
I could hold it and even when it dimmed I could still tell it was there.
Similar to my favorite starlight I assume.

I've ran in circles for years and even though I'm not sure where I am headed I'm slowly finally learned to enjoy whatever it is I'm facing, and just make my everyday count for another tomorrow.

That's all for now loves. - Lxm

This is me, NOW.

"A little high off of reality, so I like creating a little fantasy." 

No better words to describe my motto for life. We find ourselves wrapped up in so much during these times of our lives (in relation to any part of your life that is) ; for me currently that would be summer course, ending a relationship with my previous boyfriend, and somehow seeing a new version of myself. 

More so, I guess I can say I've inched forward a few steps and started to see things for what they are and less so let them keep me down. 

I used to argue with myself as to why I do the things that I do. I have my answer now. 

Why else? because I chose too.

That was my first step. 

So, whatever you are doing that is making you upset. Just STOP. 

It is doable. You will care still, maybe. Or perhaps you'll hit an epiphany and just stop caring altogether. Move on- and just be happy.

I realized that my life was very tiring all the time, I was always focused on balancing this and that and trying to make everything work and now, I've come to my senses that I am not in charge all the time and that is okay. 

I inhaled a little more than I could handle. So now I'm toning it down and letting my imagination run wild for me. 

so henceforth comes my saying: 

 high off of reality but still creating a little fantasy...

An overdose is never a good thing, so I've tamed down quite a bit and just started to take my days one at a time. Only planning about one or two weeks - and moving with whatever I am given.

Thing is, I've been in a lot of pain lately. I've been lost. I've been hurt.

But I never could truly give up, I still cared about those things that pertain only to me the most and not others.

I realize something very clearly in that moment: 

I matter to myself, more than anyone else. I can't control everyone or everything but I am in control of me. 

So I took a deep breath and cried the last of my tears, moped for my last 24 hours and hit restart.

Makes me sound like a robot but in all honesty: 

I don't think, I think like others. 

My past hurt me a lot, but I've never regretted anything

My future terrifies me, but I'll never stop doing something because of fear

AND

If I loved with everything I had, even if it was nothing in others eyes

TO ME

That was enough. 

"Every fictional book, has a happily ever after or a THE END." 

Don't flip the chapters anymore my darlings, just put that book away if you don't like it. 

Start over, a clear mind, a happy soul, and be passionate about yourself. 

Letting go, is goodbye but in a form of awaiting a new HELLO.

Love,

LxMei

I'm Crazy - Calvin Klein

"I'm crazy, and I don't pretend to be anything else."

- Calvin Klein

Some one once asked me to describe myself in one word, I would have to think long and hard but I think now if I had to use one word I would choose:

CRAZY. 

I have this motor in me, that is always scared of new changes in myself and in my life but at the same time I have the gears that are always telling me it's okay to make changes and for me to challenge myself until I am fully confident I've found something I love and truly wish to continue experiencing. 

They, in reference to family/friends/or new strangers I run into.

They asked me once, "How far do you wish to go with this/ How did you stumble upon this?" 

My reply: I am simply doing something I love. I enjoy it. It takes commitment, but it's me. 

I am not doing it for others, I am doing it for me- for others views and remarks are just there to built me with their constructive criticism.

One day, it may end and I may fall in love with something more stable but for now I like being a little crazy, and a little adventurous just wanting to move forward in my life and trying to find a new set in stone goal for myself. 

I have school.

I have family.

I let go of a relationship, but 

I have friends. 

Most importantly, I need to have myself. 

Crazy-but just enough to make survival my inner drive for this burning passion I have. 

Dear loves, just do what you enjoy the most. 

Sincerely,

LxM 

Suicide Awareness, I'm a survivor

Smile, laugh and make the best of every moment you're given. 

You hit rock bottom, its okay now you can get back on your feet. 

You got judge for who you are, its okay there are still people who love your presence. 

You feel pressured by life, its okay keep striving Rome wasn't built in one day. 

Life's bumpy, obstacles happen, no one is always happy but keep smiling- keep striving because even if we are strangers I'll tell you one thing from experience:

Your live matters, your laugh is beautiful, your passion, perseverance and everything about you is out of this world captivating.

Yes, I'm a survivor. Who isn't, who doesn't fight to survive. Stay strong, if no one listens write it down, cry it out, run it off - fight because you are not alone.

Love, LiXmei

Joy of Life

Joy of Life 

Orange Juice, and a splash of champagne/wine mixed in with some cherry.

Perhaps that's just a mimosa. 

Delicate, sweet, and smooth.

A joy in life, can be something that simple though-

delicate, sweet but oh so content.

Seek, find, and retrieve. 

-02.2017 BRUNCH-

Perhaps when the sky is dark, the lights shine brighter

02.15.2017

In two days, I'll be twenty-two. And I have to say I never thought twenty-one would leave such a deep indention on myself. 

I keep telling myself I am okay, I will be fine. This rant has followed me for the past few months because I know those little things that keep bothering me have long gone passed. 

I am working harder for myself, striving and challenging myself with my academics, my modeling, and having set yet another goal for myself in the gym- I keep telling myself the busier I am the less time I'll have to keep thinking. 

The lights are dim in my busy daytime though, I just seem to pass everything so quickly and when the night sky settles in -I have a tendency to go blind with it. 

Luckily, I am blessed with many individuals who shine brightly at night to keep me company. 

My personality won't allow me to stop reminiscing about all the memories that keep replaying in my mind, but my mind is also set in stone to keep following the lights because in the dark its too dangerous. 

Ambition is scary, Ambiguous feelings are even scarier though.  

-LxMei-

S T R U G G L I N G

STRUGGLING

IMAGERY SPECIALIST : MIKEY MONDAY 

MODEL: SARAH LY 

I am 5'6", a Hmong girl, my major is business marketing and minor is psychology.

What do I struggle with?

I struggle to meet the standards of stereotypes,

I am supposed to be good at math because I am Asian.

Sadly, math was my lowest score on my ACT. 

As a daughter, I have standards to reach in my household.

I must know how to cook, clean, and tend to my parents needs around the household. 

Luckily, I have achieved all that I need to know but there is still more for me to learn because as my mother told me growing up as a child, "you learn in this household only what you will learn again in another." 

Her statement is referring to when I get married, and move in with my husband or his family- I will have to relearn my duties of a daughter or in our language a nyab (daughter in law).

I've struggled financially, how to get about paying for my bills. 

I struggled educationally, trying to find ways to make studying stick so I could past test with no sleep.

I struggled with sleep, nights of restlessness only to be tired throughout the day.

I struggled to be happy.

Emotionally, more than anything else I struggled.

I fought depression again last year.

I watched it tear me apart, carve a whole into my chest- and I watched as all the ones I loved either never saw it or could not reach out to help me.

We all struggle is the thing- we all have hard times in life. 

We hit rock bottom and forget how to get back up.

The only advice I give here is, "You are not alone. Someone loves you. And you can Love you too."

There are thoughts that will always taunt us to want to do regretful decisions but if 2016 left me with anything other than some painful memories- then it was that if you truly loved, then it is okay to continue to harbor that love and not the person you once loved.

It is okay to remember to Love yourself. It is okay to challenge yourself to strive for a GREATER YOU.

STRUGGLE, because you'll learn how to fight. 

STRUGGLE, because you'll be able to stand again.

STRUGGLE, because now you can help others who are struggling too.

Love,

     LxMei